Jean M

In 1981, Jean was thrown out of the Army for being gay. The career she’d always dreamed of stolen from her because of who she loved. The sense of shame has remained with her ever since, and even caused her to try to end her life. 

Wrapped up in that trauma is the effect of serious sexual assaults she endured during her time in the military. The four years Jean spent in the Army have cast a long, dark shadow over the rest of her life. 

She’s been unable to hold down a job. Relationships didn’t last. And she spent 30 years ‘trying to survive in the mental health system’, as she struggled with eating disorders, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts.  

Throughout it all, her twin sister Jo has been by her side. Thanks to that special bond as well as support from military charities, including Help for Heroes, Jean is only now beginning to find a sense of peace and happiness.  

Jean said: “I joined the Army at the age of 19, three weeks after Jo joined. 

“Our father was in the artillery and our mother was in the RAF. I always aspired to join the military. I loved the thought of serving my country.”  

Jean was happy in the Army.  She was thriving as a physical training instructor and loved the camaraderie.  

"I had just attended a course and achieved a high grade and was recommended for promotion.” 

Then out of the blue, things took a turn for the worse. 

Interrogation and intimidation  

“The Special Investigation Branch, or SIB, came on to the camp, and my name was called out. I was taken into a room with two SIB officers. They shouted at me saying I was a lesbian and they’d find me out.  

“I was marched down the corridor, in front of everyone, by two SIB officers carrying bin bags They went into my room, and I had to stand there while they trashed it looking for evidence. They took a Tina Turner poster off my wall saying that because I liked Tina Turner, I must be a lesbian.   

“They took my photographs and letters. They commented on the fact that there was dirty linen in my wash basket, which meant that I wasn’t clean. I was totally humiliated. They went off with what they called evidence.  

“The next morning, I was interrogated by the same two SIB officers.  One said everything would be ok if I admitted being a lesbian. And then the other would shout questions and threaten me.   

“They threatened to take me to the medical block and strip search me for love bites. They threatened to go after my sister Jo because they knew she was gay. And they threatened to tell my Mum.   

“They asked intimate questions about what I did in bed with women. I had no support as I wasn't allowed to have any representation. I wasn’t allowed a break. After six hours, I just collapsed and signed the form. And that’s what got me dismissed from the Army – for being gay.”   

Homosexuality was decriminalised for men in 1967 (England and Wales), 1981 (Scotland) and 1982 (Northern Ireland), it was always legal for women, but in the UK Armed Forces it remained illegal for both men and women up until the year 2000. 

Witch Hunts

“I lost the job I loved. I lost my friends, and my accommodation. It was all taken away just because I loved someone of the same sex.   

“It didn’t just happen to me; it happened to thousands of people. The witch hunts they carried out to try to eradicate anyone who was gay, were disgusting. All we wanted to do was serve our country, just like every other soldier.  

“On my discharge papers it said I was being discharged because of ‘Disgraceful conduct of an unnatural kind’.  

“The effect this had on me was massive. I had so much shame and self-hatred, and I felt worthless and totally lost. I didn’t feel as if I could accept my sexuality because it made me feel it was a bad thing to be gay. I was left with a sense of total rejection, a feeling of nothingness."

A living nightmare  

After her Mum died, Jean started drinking heavily and things went from bad to worse.  

“I started to get nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, depression and was eventually diagnosed with Complex PTSD.I was feeling so numb. The only time I felt anything was when I was drunk.”   

Jean regularly self-harmed as a coping mechanism. Then one day, everything felt too much, and she made a serious attempt on her life. Thankfully she was found in time and rushed to hospital, where she was put on a life support machine.  

Although she recovered physically, for years Jean couldn’t find any respite mentally.  

Finally asking for help  

“It’s only been in the last three years I’ve felt able to approach military charities for help. For 40 years I felt they wouldn’t want to help me if they found out I was discharged for being gay. I was worried I’d be ostracised all over again.”  

Jean has been taking part in photography courses with Help for Heroes.  

“Photography has always been a passion of mine. When I’m out with my camera and looking through the viewfinder, the world feels less scary.   

“It helps with mindfulness. To be in the moment and to capture that moment. With PTSD, the horrors keep coming back in your mind but when I’m out there with my camera, it helps to dispel that.”

As well as the support from Help for Heroes, Jean has also engaged with Salute Her UK and Fighting With Pride.   “Fighting With Pride has worked so hard to get reparation for people who have been discharged for being gay. There are people who don’t have a pension and are living on the breadline.” 

‘I didn’t know my sexuality when I joined up’  

“I joined up very young. I was still in my teens, I didn’t know my sexuality. I know others were the same. I discovered my sexuality as I was serving. And then I found out it was illegal to be gay. What was I supposed to do? Some people managed to serve, but under very stressful situations and left early. Others, like me, were found out and discharged.”  

 In July 2023, the late Lord Etherton published an independent review detailing the impact the ban had on LGBT+ members of the Armed Forces, along with 49 recommendations for redress, all of which were approved. Following the report, former Prime Minister Rishi Sunak issued an apology on behalf of the British State. In December 2024, after a general debate in the House of Commons, the LGBT Veterans Financial Recognition Scheme was announced, offering reparations of up to £70,000 to those affected by the ban. 

But time is running out for many of those veterans who are sick, old, and impoverished. That’s why Help for Heroes campaigned alongside Fighting with Pride to ensure the Government moves with urgency to pay the money promised to all those who were affected by this hateful policy.  

Jean said; "Fighting with Pride and the other members of the coalition did their utmost to get the best outcome for financial reparation. They got the cap raised from £50m to £75m. Many people assume this is compensation, but it is reparations for everything we went through. All those who were discharged or dismissed under the ban will receive £50,000, an extra £20,000 is available on top of this, however, it is under the impact section and is tiered for the most severe cases, and only £25 million has been set aside for this which is an insult and further minimises the trauma we had to endure. 

"There is frustration and anger amongst LGBT veterans due to the snail's pace that applications for financial reparation are being processed. Many of us are in our 60's, 70's and 80's. Time is not on our side. Many of us have PTSD. We have reopened old wounds by submitting our applications and are being retraumatised by the lack of progress that has been made, which the late Lord Etherton asked for among his 49 recommendations for us to move forward and put our destroyed lives behind us."

Survivor’s guilt  

Having been Jean’s main source of support over the years, Jo has recently started to receive counselling from our Hidden Wounds mental health service for the toll it’s taken on her.  

Jo said: “I've got survivor's guilt, because I was in a relationship, and I wasn’t dragged in. I left before I was. It affected me in a big way how they said to Jean, ‘Sign here and we won’t come after your sister’. And knowing what Jean’s had to endure all these years.”  

Pride  

“The first time I felt proud to be a veteran was when – thanks to Fighting With Pride – we were able to march as LGBT+ veterans at the Cenotaph in 2021. Having put my beret on for the first time in 40 years, I stood alongside fellow veterans.   

“The national anthem was played, and I stood to attention. It felt like all this shame, that I’d had for so many years, was washing away from me. It was like I could feel it leaving my body and I was filling with pride. It took me back to being that 19-year-old again. I loved being in the Army. I’d join up again tomorrow if I could.  

“I can’t turn the clock back, but now I can look forward and that’s what I want to do. I’m in the twilight of my life, but I’ve got hope back.”